pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
