I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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