Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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