He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
