Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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