It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
