just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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