Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
