a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
