I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
