If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
