saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
