my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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