Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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