Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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