Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
