First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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