If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
