also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
