Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
