There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
