Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
