Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
