I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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