I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
