DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
