someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I need water and some morals
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
