The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
