i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
