Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
