My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
