The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
