Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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