I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
