I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
