You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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