Pregnant stripper...not hot.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
