our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
