dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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