hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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