It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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