as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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