i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
