I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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