We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
we're making bets on your personal life
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
