What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
