How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
