mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
