He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
