I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
