Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
