Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
