Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
